Exploring Internal Family Systems (IFS): A Powerful Tool for Healing and Self-Discovery

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is based on the belief that we are all born with and in Self energy. This is the energy that tells us we are whole and perfect just for existing. We don’t need to do anything to earn love and approval. (In Vedic wisdom, this would be the higher self.) When we are resting in Self energy, we feel safe, centered, grounded, loving, connected, compassionate, courageous, curious, and creative.

When we disconnect from this Self energy, we find ourselves feeling out of alignment, anxious, lost, unworthy, avoidant, detached, and so much more.

But how do we go from living in Self energy (as a child) to splintering into so many parts?

Core Needs

In episode 94 of the podcast I interviewed Trauma Care Practitioner Stacey Uhrig, where we discussed IFS and core needs. Core needs are basic physiological and psychological needs (like food, water, sleep, and movement), safety and security, and love and belonging. As we go through life and experience circumstances where these needs are not met, we learn to emotionally shapeshift in an attempt to get them met. Stacey says when we do this, we fragment our core authentic self and create a part. The part knows how and why it was created and what it needed to do to get your core need met. It stores that information and uses it in any circumstance that appears similar to the one in which it was created.

For example: If you learn that your stressed-out mom becomes much more loving when you do exactly as you’re told and don’t complain, you are going to learn that to receive love, you need to be a people pleaser and put your needs aside.

You recognize: When I show up in a certain way, I feel loved, connected, enough, valued, etcetera. And so, we develop as many as dozens of parts to help us meet our core needs.

Stacey says the parts usually develop in childhood. Childhood is a precarious time when we are totally reliant on caretakers to survive. Anything that threatens our bond with our caretakers threatens our survival. So we do whatever we have to do to ensure our safety and survival.

As a child, when something happens that floods us with scary feelings like fear, shame, abandonment, betrayal, rejection, and so on, we don’t have the language or insight to fully understand what is happening inside of us. It creates a wound. Our nervous systems are overwhelmed, and we just know that it doesn’t feel good, and we don’t want it to happen again.

This is where the part shows up to save the day. The part shows up and says, Don’t worry, girl, I got you. I will protect you from ever feeling like this again. Like a soldier, the part stands guard, always vigilant for any circumstance that could put you at risk for feeling the wound that created the part.

Stacey says that when we get triggered, it’s actually a sign that our part failed to protect the wound.

Types Of Parts

Parts fall under three categories: managers, firefighters, and exiles.

Managers are the preventers. They prevent a wound from being touched. These include tendencies like people-pleasing, being overly controlling, perfectionism, or suppressing and avoiding emotions.

Firefighters show up if the manager fails. These are reactive parts. Firefighters distract and soothe you from the flood of emotions that occurs when the wound is triggered. This could look like overeating, scrolling on your phone, binge-watching TV, or even overworking or overexercising.

Exiles hold our deep pain and wounds from the past. They carry and suppress the shame, guilt, grief, trauma, and fear. Exiles tend to stay hidden in our unconscious but still drive our behavior.

All Parts Are Good

The important thing to note when understanding yourself — and your parts — is that YOU and ALL of your parts are good. They were all developed, and are all working, to serve and protect you.

However, parts continue to think you are the same age you were when they were developed. They don’t understand that you are older and more resourced now, and you don’t need them to protect you like they did when you were a child.

Parts work is about recognizing your parts, thanking them for their service (even the ones you may not like so much), and giving them permission to step back and rest.

This isn’t always easy. Our parts want to hang on because if they aren’t needed, they fear they may no longer exist. When we are so intertwined with our parts, we believe we are the parts. Therefore, if the part doesn’t exist, we don’t exist.

Ego and Self Energy

In Vedic philosophy, this is similar to the concept of ego. Ego also separates us from our higher self, or Self energy, in an attempt to keep us safe. If we become so identified with our ego that we believe we are our ego, we fight to protect it at all costs. But the more we fight to protect our ego, the farther we separate from ourselves and from that which is greater than us. There is a common saying, widely attributed to the late spiritual teacher Dr. Wayne Dyer:

E.G.O. = Edging God Out.

Our ego, and our parts, pull us away from the wholeness that we are.

Do We Need To Eliminate All Our Parts?

The answer is no! We actually need our parts. We just need them in the right time, situation, and proportion. We also need to recognize when they rise up at an inappropriate time, situation, or proportion, and be able to guide them to take a back seat.

Stacey offers a great analogy to describe this. She says that we are a symphony. Each part is one type of instrument in the symphony. When playing a beautiful song, the instruments don’t all play at the same time or at the same volume. For a symphony to create soul-stirring music, each instrument type needs to understand when to come in and out, how fast or slow, and how loud or soft to play. We are the conductor. We decide when and how we want a part to come out and play, and when they need to quiet down or stop playing altogether. This allows us to be Self-led instead of parts-led.

Coming Home To Ourselves

Understanding Internal Family Systems and parts work is truly a game-changer in the journey of self-discovery and healing. It allows us to recognize that all the ways we’ve learned to protect ourselves — from people-pleasing to perfectionism to procrastination — aren’t signs that something is wrong with us, but rather evidence of how brilliantly we adapted to survive. When we can meet these parts with curiosity and compassion instead of judgment, we begin to loosen their grip and reconnect with the wholeness of who we truly are — our Self energy. This is the work of coming home to ourselves, learning to become the loving conductor of our inner symphony. It’s not about eliminating parts, but honoring them, integrating them, and ultimately leading from the seat of our true Self.

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